Last night Christopher had a breakdown. I had to call 911, it was really bad and I was worried for his safety. He's now in the Psychiatric ward of a local hospital, but he's doing well there. I went to see him and he found out there was a piano while I was there... He was so happy! (He'll play any instrument he can get his hands on, but LOVES keyed instruments the most right now.) I feel bad about him having to be there though... He's never been inpatient before and I know (a billion times over) how bad those places can be. He seems alright though, clingy, but alright.

On another, slightly similar, note, I haven't been eating much of anything. As of right now, I've drank 3 Mountain Dews and eaten 1 slice of pizza and 11 french fries. That's a grand total of 796 calories and I don't plan on adding anymore to that. I'm sick of feeling so gross. I know what you guys/girls are gonna say... "That's not good for you!" and "Eat something!!" ...but I really don't care at this point. No offense, I do love you all, but I can't deal with recovering from my Eating Disorder at this point. I always eat when I feel faint, so don't worry about me, I can handle myself. I know my body and how it works... ...and I know all of the side effects of EDs. In fact, I have some them already. I have been so thin it hurts to sit, even on soft surfaces. I have already got some "Ana down" (fine hair better known as lanugo) growth on my shoulders. My problem? I just don't care right now. Someday I'll get better, but not today.

I've decided to stay at University of Phoenix. I can always continue school at Bridgewater State afterwards. So today I have to answer Discussion Question 1 and respond to 2 classmates. I plan on doing that when I get home from my appointments.
At 1:45, I am getting picked up for an appointment with some people that are trying to figure out how I can have a better support system. At 4:00, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. ...maybe I can get off these shitty medications that don't work. Meh, we'll see.

Anyways, I'm feeling pretty shitty right now. It could be the rain or the fact that I started drinking MORE soda instead of less. In 3 weeks, I'll have a 2 week break from school. I'll cut out soda then.

So I finally gathered up the courage to ask Christopher to consider being a Dominant to me. It was really hard to ask because he's such a "nice" (and passive) guy but he said to get him some information, so I ordered some books! I'm so exited at the chance to be submissive for my lover!! :D

In other news, I have decided to take the SATs and go for Creative Writing at an actual, campus college. I'm applying to Bridgewater State College, Fitchberg State College, and Suffolk University. *crosses fingers from Bridgewater State*

However, I need to finish these classes at University of Phoenix... Otherwise, I'll have to pay for all FOUR classes out of pocket! ...ugh.

Christopher has three job interviews this week; one today, one tomorrow, and one Thursday. I'm super proud of him and I just know he'll get a job soon! I am working on doing better at school and then I start working toward getting a job. I have to be careful... I don't want to overwhelm myself again. We are both going to start saving money (I'm also going to pay off my debt) and then we hope to find an apartment together. This might not be for a while though, I need to work full time to do this and, of course, keep my grades up so the plan right now is to get a good balance in my current life. I'm halfway done with my current classes already, so my goal is to get a B- or higher in both. I can still get an A or A-, but I'd need perfect grades from here on out...
I will begin cutting out caffeine with only three sodas today (I got up to four -- I know gross) and for the next 3 days. On the 3rd, 4th, and 5th of July (can you believe tomorrow is July?!) I'll have only two. Then on July 6th, 7th, and 8th I'll be down to one. For the 9th, 10th, and 11th I will likely be in withdrawal from no caffeine so I plan to work ahead in school. After my body is clear of it's addiction I'll work on my sleep schedule, which should be okay by mid-August. After that, my diet... I will likely do some sort of wellness cleanse. Once the cleanse is done (let's say it will be by October), I will go vegan (though the cleanse will likely be vegan anyways). Also in October I will start working out more. At least 30 minutes of high-impact cardio four days a week and three non-consecutive days each week of strength-training (basically: cardio on Sun, Tues, Thu, and Sat; strength Mon, Wed, Fri). At least 20 minutes of yoga everyday.
October 31st is Halloween as you know. ...but Samhain (as us Wiccans call it) is also considered Witches' New Year. So, in November, I will start working more on my spirituality. I plan to meditate for at least 10 minutes a day and celebrate the Wiccan Sabbats (holidays) and Esbats (moon phases).
This is just a rough plan though... My main goal is balance for the new year of 2010. It seems weird to think it could take me 6th months, but I do need to go slower with my goals... I'll work more on the plan and report back to you all later.
Love you all!
Tori

Before you guys think it- I did not break up with Randy to get with my current love! Actually, I hadn't even spoken to Christopher save a few (lame) attempts via MySpace messages over the last few months... and that was because my BFFL, Lizzy said we'd make good friends.

Anyways, on Monday night Randy and I broke up. I was really upset with the number of times things had gotten in the way of him staying over and told him that I felt he should make it up to me. He thought that, because it wasn't his fault, he owed me nothing. So we argued a bit via text until I ended up literally begging him to stop me from leaving. "If you don't want to leave, you wont," he told me. ...but he didn't get it... I wanted him to show that he'd fight for me! ...but he didn't think of it that way. Randy never would admit that there was more than one way to feel or think in a situation...

I spent a while on the phone with Lizzy before I got a message from Christopher on MySpace. We traded AIM SNs and started IMing back and forth... It didn't take long before I was completely crushin'. Cue shameless flirting (my favorite skill) and giggle-fits... and you've got one happy girl! I was going to stay single and work on me... But then we started talk and before I knew it, we had made plans for the very next day. That's when we fell in love. ...and now we're together! I know it was fast, but we know each other. We have for lifetimes... We're soul-mates.

I don't think I've said this before, but forgive me if I have. Master plans on becoming a therapist. He actually already is, only it's obviously non-professionally. He helps out friends of his on a regular basis and even goes as far as to say they are 'clients' and keeps confidentiality. He's been trying to help me too as of late and he seems to be having a hard time. He told me to try not feeling for a few hours to understand what I feel better... but I don't know how to go numb! I've never even been completely numb by accident! I've been in shock, I've felt confused about my feelings... but numb? Never! I think that he thinks I'm not trying, but I have tried this and I just cannot do it! I asked him if there was something else, but I think I've frustrated him by 'being non-compliant' (I honestly can't, but I understand his thinking I'm bratty). All this thinking, though, has given me an idea... More on after I have it more planned out!

I seriously thought I posted last week! >.< Guess it was 2 weeks ago I updated ya'll... whoops!

So! Master is finishing up High School for the year. Granted he has summer school and night classes before he's officially graduated, but I'm still super proud. At least he'll have diploma and not a GED like me. >>; Not that my GED has effected my opportunities thus far, but yeah... I just referred him to University of Phoenix since he plans to get his Bachelor in Psychology there and I can get points for stuff when he enrolls this way. I can't wait for us to study together!! *glee*

Speaking of studying, I gotta try harder!! >:| I'm sick of missing work and beating myself up about it! Let's JUST DO IT (as Nike would say)! It hurts more to not do it, than to do it late and it really isn't that bad when I make myself sit down and work for 30 to 90 minutes to finish 1 or 2 assignments.

And on the subject of trying harder... DIET & EXERCISE! <--I need to do that too. I'm tracking my intake with the intent to consume 1200-1550 calories today. I want to eat more fruits and veggies and to balance my diet, but I'll focus on the calories for now and that will help me make those choices (fruits and veggies have a lot less calories). As for exercise, I wrote down a strength training plan ages ago and never used it. Today I will. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday will be strength days. Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday will be 45+ minutes of cardio. And I will try to take a walk on strength days as well. I also want to get back into yoga, but it's not an official "goal" quite yet.

Well off to try and get undizzy! (Damn PMS migraines...) Love you all!!

I just disappeared again. *gonk* I suck really badly... Especially after the LAST post I made. But fear not! For Tori LIVES! lol or something...

Anyways. I turned 20 on May 18th, no party or real gifts, but the (ice cream) cake was $32 worth of EPIC Coldstone's goodness. Last Monday (the 25th of May, not this one. I started up classes at University of Phoenix again. Effective Essay Writing and Critical Thinking. I had a GREAT first week. Got all my work done, did well, and everything was ON TIME, but this week... Well I'm 2 days behind at the moment and further procrastinating here at LJ and on AIM with Tori C. (yes there are more like me). OOH! now Vanessa too, lol. Well hopefully I'll crackdown and do it soon, but I want my head to stop hurting first >.<

Hey everyone! I have no excuse for not posting for so long, but this last week I was in the hospital. I tried to kill myself by overdosing on Tylenol, but I'm better now and no damage to my liver was done.

Sorry for the short update, will say more soon.

Everything is so out of my control right now! I'm on my third day without caffeinated soda, so I feel like crap & I can't do shit about it. I have over $4,000 in credit card debt & I can't do shit about it. I need a job but, because if this dumb recession, & I can't do shit about it and even if I could get a job, work is so overwhelming to me & (that's right) I can't do shit about it. I would start applying to places, but I'm getting a psychiatric evaulation on Tuesday and might end up in the hospital again! GAHH!

Go leave triplesix massive birthday love! Especially if you have a thing for beautiful goth girls like I do LOL

So a few of you don't get that this isn't an issue with his MySpace, it's an issue with my ability to trust. It's cool, I don't expect to always be understood fully, but let me explain... The reason I want him to add me to his page is so that his friends know I exist and I have proof that they know. I don't know his friends and, thus, never see them. Due to my last relationship with Mike (which ended up in me figuring out he was ENGAGED to Emmy while he was telling me I somehow cheated by having male friends...), I do have trust issues. And the fact that Master Randy wouldn't even change his profile a bit to ease my mind (the ONE thing important I've ever asked him for, by the way) was frustrating to say the least. The way I see it, I am his pet and, as my Master, he should take care of me in smalls ways that do not trouble him much. He says that MySpace is unimportant to him, so this should not be a big deal on his part.

In the end, he has promised to change it when he is at Nik's this weekend. I just hope he remembers, since he kept forgetting yesterday even though I was reminding him tons while he was here. (To his defense, he was always busy when I reminded him, but still...)

And for the record, I'm not angry at anyone who said that, I'm just explaining my bit. :) LOVE YOU ALL.

So Master Randy and I fought ALL MORNING.

But he changed his mind and things are better now. We definitely made up (including madd hawt make-up sex via cell-phone texting... LOL Yeah, we're that cool).

Anyways, because I didn't set my alarm last night and fought all morning I did nothing yet today. alldreamsdie85 and I are supposed to hang out tonight, but I haven't heard from her at all today. I'm going to give her all call, then make plans for doing schoolwork and also yoga.

So I've created a schedule for myself; it's purpose is to keep me busy and not allow me to waste my days. Every day between 6 and 9 am, I get up, go to the bathroom, get water, eat, take my medications, shower, brush/floss/rinse, get dresses, and pray and/or meditate. Between 10 and 11 pm, I will journal, wash my face, brush/floss/rinse, get undressed, do progressive muscle relaxation, and go to bed. The hours in between (9 am and 10 pm) vary day-to-day. Things on my schedule include University of Phoenix work, exercise, Sacred Mists, University of Metaphysical Sciences, and Reading. There is a lot more, but I wont list them all.

Anyways, sorry for being a flake as of late and not posting for TWO WEEKS. I'm back. Be afraid. Or exited. Or whatever. <3

I can't do it today, I'm just too stressed out >.< Hopefully I'll have my day soon, but I don't know :(